Our lives are like a boat that needs a strong rudder to guide us through the course shoals and obstacles of life. We go from one point to another until we get our direction from the north star. Lives change when obstacles become more than we can handle, but then, without us even noticing, God sends the gift that we have been waiting for, that one person who makes us smile, who warms the room when he enters, who cradles us in his arms when we feel insecure, who laughs at our unbelievable mistakes, and who tells us we are his guiding star, what he has needed all his life, that rudder.
He was my compass. I always knew where I was and where home was. Now, I feel alone. His ghost haunts me at night, and his memories cut through my heart like a knife. It is as though my small boat is lost at sea, and I can’t get my bearings. My compass is gone, and I can’t get to the other shore, a shore where happiness shines. I miss the rain-slicker warmth of his arms; he was my true north home, the lighthouse showing me the way home.
I sought the rugged man because I thought that this type of man wouldn’t be able to relate to me. Me…the educated one, the sophisticated one, the professional; did I really put myself above that type of man? I thought if we could not relate, then I was safe from opening up my heart to someone else. The difference was that Michael knew he could pursue me and give me a home, what I needed, what I wanted…his love. Their wasn’t a day that his warmth did not caress my heart and warm me from the inside out.
When our two boats collided, it was as if God had ordained it. We needed each other in a perfect way, and nothing was going to stop us from finding that perfect way. As I learned from my past two relationships, no relationship is without its flaws, but what counts is how you handle life’s ups and downs, the ying and yang of the water’s tides. We were alike and different, but God was our internal compass. We never gave up on each other, always supported one another, and shared love with all of its turns.
The heart wants another compass-seeking heart; the mind needs the rudder to keep moving forward. The body needs the warmth of the sun and the cooling of a smiling moon. Our small boats need the water filled with shoals and obstacles so that we never forget that, together, we can cross all kinds of lakes, rivers, seas, and oceans. We are stronger together than apart. When you are the wind in someone else’s sails, you get to the other shore more quickly. In one boat, out lives are full and rewarding; the loneliness is kept at bay. That is why I miss you, so much, Michael. You were my compass, my home.
Anna Hartt
