Forgiveness is defined as letting go of resentment towards someone or pardoning them. Forgiving is usually hard for all of us, but it is often much more difficult to forgive a family member because we have lived with that person almost all of our lives. We love and respect them and want nothing but happiness for them. In my case, the person I needed to forgive was my father. He was a minister, one with love and caring at his core. He was well respected in all of his parishes and in the communities he served. I would run to him at the end of the day to tell him about my experiences and climb into his lap for a hug. My world was so beautiful when I was a child; I felt protected, loved, and cared for.
That all changed after my dear mother died. My father and I became estranged from one another, going about our daily duties with little talk and much silence. He was very strict, and I began to feel strangled by so many household chores. Even though I excelled at my studies and in everything musical, I never felt the love that had so cemented our earlier relationship. The end result was that I rebelled while attending college. I married a jazz musician that he didn’t approve of, and this relationship ended in divorce.
Forgiveness was extremely hard for me when I found out he was changing into a person I did not know. In his search for happiness after losing his wife, my father sought a life style that his last congregation and I found hard to accept. In so doing, we never had a close relationship ever again. When I would visit him, I never knew who I would find with him. It made me feel like “home” wasn’t worth the uneasiness of a visit.
Losing my mother as a teenager and then my father to another life style tore my heart open and created sadness and self-doubt throughout my adult years. I spent countless hours praying for help to be released from my anger. I spent many years trying to find a family like I had when my mother was alive. When my father and I were together, there was always an edgy tenseness about our conversations. After he died at 68, I was left with a regret that I wasn’t there to hold his hand when he passed. It was too late to forgive him at that point.
It is important to forgive someone when they are alive; you can eventually start to form a better relationship with healthy conversations and behaviors. Both of you can move onto a more productive, positive life. I spent my adult years carefully analyzing relationships between fathers and daughters. I found that my relationship with my father was not the best, but it was still a human relationship. With God’s help, I eventually realized that my father was a loving and caring man, one who felt extremely lonely after losing his wife. He was still my father, even if I couldn’t accept the life style that brought him happiness. I came to understand the immensity of loneliness after losing my own two husbands. Who was I to say that his life style was wrong? We all need to find love and acceptance in whatever way we can.
Forgiveness came full circle for me when I traveled to Germany, my father’s ancestral home. In my book, The River Flows On, I wrote about walking the cobble-stoned streets of towns and visiting cathedrals in large cities. I ate many wonderful German meals and sought to immerse myself in the culture.
Nearing the end of my trip, I wandered into a small church where a beautiful stained- glass window hung over the altar. It depicted the Crucifixion and Christ’s words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” In the natural beauty of that small church, I felt Christ take my hand and help me finally say, “Father, forgive me, for I know what I did. Help me be more forgiving of everyone, especially my father. Help me to be as loving and caring as he was in his congregations, and help me to be “Christ with flesh on.”
Forgiveness allows you to be a better person, more loving and caring. It releases you to new life, where you can focus on the person’s positive accomplishments, not their faults. Through faith the size of a mustard seed we can reach our full potential, one that God ordained before we were born. Through our holy births, we are forgiven all our sins; through Christ’s death, we are granted His resurrection.
Anna Hartt
